Aug 27, 2009
It was past 8 in the evening when my dad was aching for a severe pain on his stomach. He was in an intense pain on many parts of his body for the past 2 weeks but at least it was all tolerable because of the pain killers that were given to him by his physician. And On the night of 27th of August, he broke down. He was even screaming and crying while on his wheel chair. I know my father when it comes in dealing with his illness, for as long as he can take it he’ll just be quiet and tell us that everything is ok. We were all in panic. Just imagine how hard it was, seeing your father in pain and can’t do anything to lessen it. God, I couldn’t bear seeing him like that. Me and mom immediately brought him to DWU hospital and called up my eldest sister so we could meet her there. He was laid down in the hospital bed in the emergency room..complaining and begging to the doctors to give him relief. And worst they couldn’t do anything. I was looking at him afar silently praying to the Lord to please give him comfort. And after few minutes (I thought) my prayers were granted, I saw my dad peacefully sleeping. Its then I decided to go home and get some good night rest because I have an 8am class the next day.
Aug. 28, 2009
5:30am I got a text message from mom telling me and my youngest brother to come over to the hospital as soon as we can and to cancel our school schedules. i was wondering and deepthinking why mom will text something like but I still remain positive to whatever we’ve going through. I took a bath for a minute (yeah believe me ;p) and be there as soon as we can. I went numb and I shook during the entire drive to DWU Hospital. I remember praying that papa just want to see us and mom just want to go home and we’ll take charge in taking care of dad. My mind was so frantic. Dad wont die. You have too much to live for! What about the Singapore vacation that ate baby promised you as soon as you got well. What about Ram and Issa that you love to play with? What about your dreams for me?.. Pa, you’re not going anywhere. I love you too much to loose you. Keep fighting, hold on please. My hands were cold. As we reached DWU Hospital, I went up to room 329 as fast as I could no lifts available since it was still early in the morning. I opened the door and it was the worst moment in my life when I heard mom “ say goodbye to your papa, he’s gone”. The room spun . I felt detached from my body, as if the pain of this startling reality was too much to bear. I wanted to die too, to be with you, to make sure you were ok. I was hysterical. I sat on the floor, I cried and I was shivering and embracing myself. I couldn’t even take a look on you lying in bed with no life. God, how could we go on with our life? I felt that your soul was close. I want to shake your shoulders and have you open your eyes. Instead, I gave you a kiss and rested my face against yours, willing to do anything to bring you back. The only thing, I could do was to let you go.
According to the doctors the cause of his death: Septic shock Acute Peritonitis Ruptured Appendicitis, chronic Kidney Disease 2 to diabetic nephropathy, Diabetes Mellitus 2 Hypertensive Cardiovascular Disease, Community Acquired Pneumonia
It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
My dad was my mentor. The thought of him passing was something that I envisioned when he'll be in 90 or 100, not 54 And not this way. This brought my life down to the very bottom. Since then, I have been feeling on-off spells of depression; it is more at home than in my social life. It does not make me feel unwell or affect my appetite. It is just that for spells I feel so alone and depressed and it feels awful.I still think about my dad every day and it kills me. It was so tough.. I cried a lot every night. I think everything just finally caught up. I knew it would and that’s fine. If I keep it bottled up, it’ll be worse. Even writing this makes me well up. But it helps, helps me to express some feelings that I can’t often verbalize. Not sure why but I find writing a better outlet sometimes. Along those lines, I have to thank my friends and all the people (you know who you are) whose outpouring of support and love has been a big help. THANK YOUI’ve been trying to keep myself busy. I devote myself to my school and give all my love and support to my mom and spend some time to my nephw and neice, baby ram and issa. It was really nice and relaxing and I didn’t have to think too much, which in itself was good. I can’t say that the pain is any less. If anything, it’s actually worse because I know I’ll never hear my dad say “men, when are you going to be the Miss Philipines? again. I can still hear him say that in my head though. and still take it as a joke..Clearly. I’m clinging to that big time right now. His tone was always so reassuring to me & I don’t want to give it up. I have to be realistic (which totally sucks) in that I’ll be in pain for quite some time. I have to be strong though. My dad would’ve wanted me to.
I love you and miss you so much papa.
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